People Skills: Barriers to Communication

--ADAPTED and TAKEN FROM People Skills: How To Assert Yourself, Listen To Others, and Resolve Conflicts by Robert Bolton, Ph. D.

Virtually all creatures defend their space using a variety of tactics which fall into one of the two basic categories—fight or flight. Only humans have a third option—verbal assertion. There are effective and ineffective ways of verbally confronting others. One of the most effective methods of confrontation is the three-part assertive message with its:

1) non-blaming description of someone's behavior, 

2) disclosure of our feelings, and 

3) clarification of the effects that someone's behavior is having upon us.

People Skills: How To Assert Yourself, Listen To Others, and Resolve Conflicts

Here is an example of the assertive method:

            Behavior:        When you don't clean the counter

                                    after making a snack...

           

            Feelings:          I feel very annoyed.

            Effects:            Because it makes more work for me.

            Notice 1) the non-blaming description of someone's behavior, 2) disclosure of how that makes you feel, and 3) the effect it has on you because you must do more work. There is a high probability that the other person will alter their behavior, because you are not blaming them for "wrongdoing," putting them down, or disrespecting their dignity as a person. Also, the other person is allowed to make up his/her mind freely because s/he loves/respects you and not from guilt resulting from having been condemned.  

           [In the incident of the "woman caught in the act of adultery" (John 8:1-11)--Jesus used firmness without domination. He did not violate anyone's personal dignity or attack anyone's character, 1) He simply drew attention to everyone's behavior; 2) His feelings were probably grief since His creatures were mistreating each other, and 3) the effect would be the shedding of His blood so our sins could be forgiven (more work for Him). Unlike Jesus, our usual response to something we disapprove of is "shame & blame" or some other barrier (see below) to healthy communication, sp].  

    

            There are four stages in the process of improving our communication. When we first become aware of our behavior, we may feel guilty. Then we attempt to behave differently and feel awkward and phony. Thankfully, these two feelings will pass quickly if we remain committed to change. Then, with enough practice, we become skillful, but still somewhat self-conscious. Ultimately, however, this new way of communicating assertively becomes integrated into our lives, and we communicate assertively without conscious awareness.

            Skepticism is best dissolved by action. Experimenting with the assertive method allows us to experience more effective ways of relating. Not just because some "authority" suggests it, but because our own minds will agree that using non-blaming descriptions of someone's behavior, disclosing how their behavior makes us feel, and making clear what consequences their actions have upon us truly makes sense.

Barriers to Communication

1. Criticizing: Making a negative evaluation of another person/actions—"You brought it on yourself."

2. Name Calling: "Just like a woman." "Egghead." "Your just another insensitive male."

3. Diagnosing: Analyzing why a person is behaving a certain way—"Just because you went to college, you think you know it all," or "I can read you like a book."

4. Praising Evaluative (Flattery): "You're always such a good girl. I know you will help me with the dishes tonight." "You're so great, I could never do that."

5. Ordering: Commanding a person to do what you want—"Do what I told you!" Why? Because I said so, that's why!"

6. Threatening: Trying to control someone's actions by warning of negative consequences that you will instigate—"You'll do it, or else I'll…." "Stop that right now or nobody can have any ice cream."

7. Moralizing: Telling another person what she should do. "Preaching" at someone. "You should…" "You ought to…"

8. Excessive/ Inappropriate Questions: Closed-ended questions (answered only with yes or no)—"Why did you do that?" "What are you doing!"

9. Advising: Giving unsolicited answers to people's problems. "That's an easy one to solve, first I'd…"

10. Diverting: Pushing someone's problems aside—"You think you've got it bad, let me tell you about…"

--ADAPTED and TAKEN FROM People Skills: How To Assert Yourself, Listen To Others, and Resolve Conflicts by Robert Bolton, Ph. D.