Recovery From Shame

Here is a link to 10 characteristics of ungodly, shame-based relationships contrasted with the 10 characteristics of godly, grace-based relationships:

Grace vs. Shame

SOURCES OF SHAME

Dale and Juanita Ryan write,

"Shame is a social experience. It is rooted in exchanges between people. It may grow out of experiences of public humiliation."

"It may result from experiences of being devalued. It may come from experiences of rejection. Many people learn shame early in life in their family-of-origin. Harsh criticism, neglect, lack of affirmation, humiliation, contempt and ridicule are not uncommon features of family life. Any of these experiences can contribute to shame in family members. The family is not, however, the only source of shaming experiences."

"Shame learned in families is often reinforced by experiences in other relationships and in other systems, such as schools and work settings. And shame is sometimes fostered as well by experiences in the Christian community. Experiences of public exposure, judgment and rejection sometimes happen in the name of Christ."

"Whatever the source, shame is a very painful emotional experience. Shame hurts at a fundamental level. While shame is rooted in social experiences, it is also easily internalized. If people experience humiliation often enough, or intensely enough, or consistently enough, they may come to the conclusion that they ought to be humiliated. When shame becomes internalized in this way it poses a fundamental threat to a person's identity."

GUILT & SHAME ARE DIFFERENT

"There is an important difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is part of recognizing that I have done something wrong. Guilt is a painful emotion. It can, however, be a helpful emotion because it alerts us to a violation of our values and ideals. Guilt can be the first step in a process which leads to growth and change, to repentance and recovery. Shame, on the other hand, is not part of such a healthy process."

"Shame does not open a person to the possibility of change. Instead, shame is experienced as a flaw so fundamental that no hope for recovery seems possible. Shame causes people to see themselves as unlovable, unworthy and irreparable."

"Perhaps the most difficult tenet of the Christian gospel to believe is that no matter how badly damaged you may seem to yourself, God sees you as valuable. No matter how unlovable you may seem to yourself, God loves you. No matter how pessimistic you may be about the possibility of recovering from shame, God is eager to bring healing. Because shame damages a person so deeply, recovery from shame will require deep healing. This kind of healing requires time and the help of others who love you."

"Because recovery from shame is such a difficult journey, it is vitally important to know that God is prepared to be helpful. The Bible is full of stories about shame and about God's response to shame. The studies which follow are designed to help you decide for yourself about God's response to people who have experienced shame. Will God reinforce your experiences of shame? Will he humiliate you? Does he devalue you? Does he hold you in contempt? Does he agree with your self-contempt?"

"In preparing these studies we were deeply moved by the clarity of Scripture about God's unconditional love for us. We encourage you to approach these texts with an openness to hear God's Word to you. Our prayer is that you will hear the voice of God clearly calling you by name, speaking tenderly, eager to heal the scars left by experiences with shame."

JESUS EXPERIENCED & IDENTIFIES WITH SHAME

In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness.

Turn your ear to me ,come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me.

Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

Free me from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge.

Into your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O Lord , the God of truth.

I hate those who cling to worthless idols; I trust in the Lord.

I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.

You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place.

Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.

My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning;my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak.

Because of all my enemies, I am the utter contempt of my neighbors; I am a dread to my friends--those who see me on the street flee from me.

I am forgotten by them as though I were dead; I have become like broken pottery.

For I hear the slander of many; there is terror on every side; they conspire against me

and plot to take my life.

But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me.

Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love. (Ps 31:1-2, 6-16)

THE UNGODLY NATURE OF RELIGIOUS SHAME

The Ryans continue:

"People in families or groups which produce shame are often judged for their thoughts, feelings and actions. The standards used in these evaluations may have to do with how successful, or how moral, or how bright, or how pious a person is. The standards may be arbitrary, may change unpredictably and may appeal to divine revelation for authority."

"The common thread in evaluations which lead to shame is the devaluing of the person who does not measure up. When people fall short of the standard, they are judged to be inadequate, damaged and undesirable. A lot is at risk in these evaluations because the worth of the person is being measured."

"People in families and social groups which do not produce shame do not experience their worth being judged in this way. Mistakes and weaknesses are acknowledged and taken seriously, but the value of the person is not at risk. Problems, limitations, weaknesses and even moral evil are expected as part of our common human condition. In healthy families and groups these do not lead to "judgment" but are responded to with a combination of compassion, accountability and forgiveness. As a result, a person's sense of value remains intact."

"Many religious systems, even some with orthodox theology, set up standards which are used to judge people's worth. If people do not meet these standards, they are devalued and shamed. Religiously reinforced shame was as common in Jesus' day as it is in our own. The religious leadership worked very hard to attain high personal moral standards. But they also devalued people whom they saw as "sinners." "Sinners" who did not meet the leader’s standards were outcasts, untouchables, people of no value."

"Jesus' response to 'sinners' was a radical contrast to the shame based religious systems of his time. Jesus did not devalue people because they did not meet a standard--no matter how godly the standard. Jesus valued sinners. Those people who appeared to others merely as moral failures Jesus saw as people of great worth."

"Being publicly exposed, being devalued and being rejected are all experiences which can produce the painful emotion of shame. Shame, like fear, anger or sadness, is an emotion which everyone has experienced. For many people, however, experiences of this kind are so acute or so frequent that shame begins to become more than a passing painful emotion. Over time, shame can work its way into the core of a person's identity. It can become central to how people perceive themselves."

"Once shame has become internalized, a person can experience shame in response to their own internal promptings. It is not necessary for another person to expose them or devalue them or reject them. In this way the painful experience of shame becomes a daily reality. Due in part to a failure to distinguish between guilt and shame, many Christians have mistakenly taken the experience of shame to be a necessary starting point for spiritual growth."

"As a consequence many Christians find it difficult to feel good about their relationship with God unless they feel badly about themselves. The low self-esteem that accompanies internalized shame, however, is not at all like true humility. Internalized shame is a kind of disabling self-hatred, it makes very poor soil for spiritual growth."

RESURRECTION FROM SHAME

"For Christians, recovery from shame requires that we learn to think and feel about ourselves in ways that are consistent with the way God thinks and feels about us. The Scriptures show clearly that God does not expose us in ways that create shame. God does not see us as worthless. God does not reject us. God does not shame us. God welcomes those who live in shame, wraps his arms around them, and throws a party in their honor."

"One of the most confusing aspects of shame is that we often feel shame about experiencing shame. Because shame is so uncomfortable and because we don't know what to do with this feeling, we tend to deny that it is part of our lives. Recovery from shame, however, requires that we acknowledge our shame so that we can begin to be free of its power."

"The courage to acknowledge our shame comes from a growing awareness of God's love for us. Christian discipleship for people who have been trapped in shame is the process of learning that God does not contribute to our shame and does not want us to be bound by shame. He does not expose us; he provides a refuge for us. He does not devalue us; he declares us valuable. He does not reject us; he embraces us with arms of love."

"It is not that God ignores our sins or our weakness. He does not pretend there is no problem. He takes our sin and weakness seriously. But he does not expose us or devalue us or reject us because of these things. With a full knowledge of who we are, God loves us. In the text for this study Paul asserts that God loves us. As a consequence, no one can condemn us, not even our own internalized shame-voice. Nothing can keep God from loving us. Nothing will stop him from pursuing us in love. Nothing can separate us from his love. Nothing..."

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus...What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

"Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died —more than that, who was raised to life —is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us."

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:1, 31-39).