Some Solutions to Control & Being Controlled

The article below is an excerpt I edited written by Gayle Hoone.

I recommend the book on the right by Larry Deason (d.), because it helped me to recognize the freedom that Christ gives to those who obey Him directly and not through other men (Gal. 5:1).

Deason gives a list in the back of the book of the "free" versus the "not-yet-free" that I found to be very true about interpreting Christianity through legalism.

Here is a link to a free .pdf copy:

http://www.tanglewoodcofc.org/wordpress/wp-content/pdf/Set%20Free%20Stay%20Free.pdf

CONTROLLING OTHERS

Gayle Hoone writes:

"Control is akin to being in bondage: oppressed and burdened to that which controls. The person or thing that controls attempts to dominate thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and actions of others."

"Control tells us what, when, where, and how, but not why. The why of control is 'Because, I said so!'... Control gives a false sense of power, but there is never enough power. So, when false power wears off control mandates more..."

"Control in this article is non-abusive. It’s mental and emotional, such as: mind games and manipulation, ridicule and embarrassment, intimidation and subtle pressures. It can develop into withholding affection from a loved one, becoming distant and aloof."

"The word control means: to curb, moderate, contain, to govern, regulate, order, limit, to handle or manipulate or bait; to ride, nag, tantalize, taunt, tease, command, dominate, and master something or someone."

"If we are controlling we try to diminish another’s thoughts, and restrict their feelings. Covertly, we will lead and override the other person’s behaviors. The objective is to regulate and limit those around us, so we will not feel out-of-control inside."

"Control can be perfectionism, or asking someone to do something, then following them, redoing to our standard, insulting the one who originally performed the request."

"Control is knowing better, or stating what’s best for the other person because, ‘I know what’s right for you,' robbing that person's identity and discounting their decisions."

"Control disregards feelings...humiliating a person (especially a child), causing them to stuff feelings."

"Control attempts to manage outcomes making plans for others without conferring with them. It covertly manipulates someone’s appearance, project, or their ideas. It is somewhat similar to brain washing, used in cults and some cultures."

"Control doesn’t listen being too busy thinking up its answer to promote or defend itself. This makes the one controlling the center of life. All others must revolve around him/her...."

Hoone concludes:

“I can’t control others, no matter how much I want to, no matter how much better I think I know what’s right for them. I can’t control what others do, think, or feel, whether or how they choose to grow and change, whether or when they recover….”

BEING CONTROLLED

"Being controlled is the same as controlling others only its happening to you."

"The following are a couple of types of being controlled:"

"Religious control = the use of religious rules and regulations, legalism to keep someone in line. This type of control dominates others by misusing Scripture for the controller’s gain. They will use the Word of God, words such as ‘submission’ to dictate, order and command. They do not allow a person to think for themselves. They do not allow a person to make decisions for themselves. They slowly attempt to undermine a person’s God given free will and free choice."

"Authoritative control = is akin to religious control, though it refers to a professional who exploits.... The objective is to take advantage of someone’s finances, mind, or body."

"Parental control = robs the identity of a child, preventing them to think for themselves. It makes the child either dependent or defiant. Parental control diminishes the child’s ability to problem solve and become a solution thinker. It means the parent has all the answers and all the power. The child/adolescent has no voice. The parent might say: ‘you are not the adult’ then, ‘you are not a child’ breeding confusion. This leaves the adolescent with no fit, a loss of belonging. Or the parent says, ‘look at all we do for you’ then, ‘this is my house, my car, my…’ breeding resentment and internalized shame."

"Being controlled means being influenced via guilt, causing self-blame and remorse... The person controlled senses limits, feels restricted, and confined. It stunts mental/emotional growth. As outlined above, the one who is controlling endeavors to overpower the other so as to numb out-of-control feelings within the controller. But remember. There is never enough power, and when the power wears off more control is required."

RESULTS OF CONTROL & BEING CONTROLLED

"Control causes chaos: This person only knows how to feel normal when causing chaos. Chaos is a continuum, they have lived a life of crises. This type of control numbs fears and anxieties. It most likely mimics one’s childhood...."

"In the Bible control is akin to idolatry, worshipping something or someone. It is our sin or flesh nature attempting to cover up, satisfy, or injure our inner-eternal man. Only a relationship with Jesus, not religion, can reveal, please, make happy, heal, fulfill, and set free my soul...."

SOME SOLUTIONS

1. Realization = like a detective or researcher face the facts: Do you control or allow control?

2. Acknowledge = journal how you control or allow control: accept your part in the cycle.

3. Confess admit, and declare to God, to yourself and to another safe person who can relate and encourage you.

4. Change = a daily decision takes effort, needs support, but is painful, yet freeing:

a. Surrender to Christ’s help first thing in the morning (Psalm 5.1-3; Psalms 143.10-1).

b. Let others do, feel, and think for themselves (Matthew 7.1-5; 2 Corinthians 3.).

c. Avoid that which, or those who, control you: change friends and hangouts (Psalm 118.8-9).

d. Fill loneliness with people who support, and encourage your recovery (2 Thessalonians 2.15; Hebrews10:25).

"Also, know that there is a spiritual army against Christ and you who assumes the right to keep you controlled by people and things....Stay away from them, remain free from them (1 Peter 5.8-9)."