The Courage To Stand Your Ground Against Attacks

Authoritarians Attempt to Use Force/Guilt/Manipulation

I strive to be real.

I have found that when Christians strive to be religious rather than real, we sometimes become more controlling than the people in government.

Control is achieved and maintained by gaining your trust, but I have found that trusting others to think and do things "for us" prevents God commanded growth and ends up destroying relationships. If "religion" (and I really don't like this word applied to Christianity) should do anything, it should strengthen individuals and relationships not destroy them.

Wisdom warns of trusting in man as an authority instead of trusting God as our authority.

Men are deceptive, use sleight of hand, and say and do not: "The human heart is the most deceitful of all things..." (Jer. 17:9), and nowhere is it more deceitful than when some act as if their interpretation of the Scriptures is the only one and all who disagree with them on "matters of faith" are evil.

The Weakness of Dogmatism

Paul writes: "You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of human beings" (1 Cor. 7:23). And,

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and be not entangled again with a yoke of bondage" (Gal. 5:1).

Obedience and responsibility are not the same thing.

Obedience to God increases man's responsibility and maturity.

Obedience to man stagnates man's responsibility and maturity. The Apostle Paul knew this and taught against it.

Do we?

Or do we have a worldview of compartmentalizing life that justifies obedience to man which is not the commanded responsibility and maturity that increases from obedience to God through his grace? (2 Pet. 3:18). 

Don't Think For Yourself, You'll Fail!

As Seth Godin says, "Perfect is the enemy of good." Do we let men fool us into believing that God wants us to be perfect with their man made laws and interpretations?

Isaiah says:

"Stop trusting in mere humans, who have but a breath in their nostrils. Why hold them in esteem?" --Isaiah 2:22, NIV 2011.

And, again, Paul says:

"Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ....What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.... So then, no more boasting about human leaders! All things are yours, whether Paul or Apollos or Peter or the world or life or death or the present or the future—all are yours, and you are of Christ, and Christ is of God"--1 Cor. 3:1...23, NIV 2011.

In their landmark book, Boundaries,

Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend write: 

"Establishing boundaries and maintaining boundaries takes a lot of work, discipline, and most of all desire."

Likewise, Jesus explained to the disciples that "desire" or "longing for" is the reason some people see and act on  truth and some  don't.

Maturity/Responsibility

In Matthew 13:11-17, Jesus was asked the reason for why He taught people in parables. One of the reasons for teaching in a somewhat veiled form like this is to separate the genuine from imitation based on their desire:

"The disciples came to him and asked, “Why do you speak to the people in parables?"
 
He replied,  

"Because the knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of heaven has been given to you, but not to them. Whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them. This is why I speak to them in parables:" 

"Though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand."

In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah: "You will be ever hearing but never understanding; you will be ever seeing but never perceiving."

"For this people’s heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes."

Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them."

"But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. For truly I tell you, many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it."

Why were the disciples "given the secrets?" Because "they saw and heard."

How did they see and hear differently than others? Because they, like past prophets and righteous people "longed to see" or desired to know and act upon their understanding.

Cloud and Townsend continue:

"The driving force behind boundaries has to be desire. We usually know what is the right thing to do in life, but we are rarely motivated to do it unless there's a good reason. That we should be obedient to God, who tells us to set and maintain boundaries, is certainly the best reason, but sometimes we need a more compelling reason than obedience. We need to see that what is right is also good for us, and we usually only see these good reasons when we're in pain. Our pain motivates us to act."

Freedom Comes at a Price

"Even with a desire for a better life, we can be reluctant to do the work of boundaries for another reason: it will be a war. There will be skirmishes and battles. There will be disputes. There will be losses. The idea of spiritual warfare is not new. For thousands of years, God has given His people the choice of living lives of ruin, or possessing what He has secured for them. And it has always involved battles. When He led Israel out of Egypt toward the promised land, they had to fight many battles and learn numerous lessons before they could possess the land."

Cloud & Townsend write:

"There are two major forms of resistance/disapproval that you will encounter when you begin to set boundaries with others: anger and guilt."

THE MOST COMMON FORM OF RESISTANCE TO YOUR BOUNDARIES

"The most common resistance is anger. People who get angry at others for setting boundaries have a character problem. Being self-centered, they think that the world exists for them and their comfort. They see others as extensions of themselves. When they hear no, they have the same reaction as a two year old who has been deprived of something: "You're bad!" They feel that the one who has deprived them of their wishes is "bad," and they become angry. Nothing has been done "to them" at all. Someone will simply not do something "for them." Their wish is being frustrated, and they get angry because they have not learned to delay gratification or to respect others freedoms (Pro. 19:19)."

"The angry person has a character problem. It is not the situation that's making the person angry, but the feeling that they are entitled to things from others. They want to control others and, as a result, they have no control over themselves. So when they lose their wished for control over someone, they get angry. The first thing to remember is that the person who is angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem. If you do not realize this, then you may think that you have a problem. Maintaining your boundaries is good for other people, it will help them learn what their families of origin did not teach them:  to respect other people."

"Staying mentally separated from another person's anger is vitally important. Do not let someone's anger be a cue for you to do something. People without boundaries respond automatically to the anger of others. They rescue, seek approval, or get angry themselves. There is great power in inactivity with angry people. Just allow them to be angry and decide for yourself what you need to do. Make sure you have a support system in place, if you plan to begin setting limits with a controlling person. Be prepared to distance yourself physically and to enforce consequences. If you have boundaries, then you will remain separate enough to "speak the truth in love." Empathize with their anger and say, "It seems that you are upset that I will not...." and "I am sorry you feel this way. How can I help?"

"If you maintain your boundaries, those who try to use anger to control you will have to learn self-control (Gal. 5:23) for the first time instead of "other control" which has been destructive (dysfunctional) to them anyway. When they no longer have control over you, then they will learn a different way to relate. Sometimes the hard truth is that they will not talk to you anymore, or they will leave the relationship if they can no longer control you. This is a true risk. God takes this risk everyday. When people choose their own way which does not include Him, then He lets them go (Rom. 1:24). Sometimes we must behave in this godly manner with controlling people (1 Cor. 7:15ff)."

THE STRONGEST FORM OF RESISTANCE TO YOUR BOUNDARIES

"The strongest form of resistance you will encounter when setting boundaries with others is guilt. No weapon in the arsenal of the controlling person is as strong as the guilt trip. People with poor boundaries almost always internalize guilt messages leveled at them; they obey guilt-inducing statements that try to make them feel bad."

"Consider these: "How could you do this after all we..." and "You need to think about others and not yourself..." and "If you love me, then you will...." 

[NOTE: A guilt trip interpretation is not what Jesus meant in John 14:15—controlling religious rulers misinterpret Jesus—see Romans 8:1ff and John 3:16ff, sp). Jesus is not putting His disciples on a guilt trip while they are already "filled with sorrow" (John 14:1; cf. 16:6, sp].

Cloud & Townsend continue:

"Sometimes guilt manipulation comes dressed up in God talk:"

"Doesn't the Bible say..." and "You are not being very submissive..." or "I am sure that the Lord is disappointed in you..." and "You are supposed to be thinking of others..." or "There must be something wrong if...." 

"People who say these things are trying to make you feel guilty about your choices. They are trying to make you feel bad about deciding how you will spend your own time and resources, about growing up and separating from your parents, or about having a life separate from a friend or spiritual leader. Just remember the land owner's words in the parable of the workers in the vineyard: "Don't I have the right to do what I want with my own money?" (Matt. 20:15; cf. Acts 5:4). The Bible says we are to give and not be self-centered, but it does not say that we have to give whatever anyone wants from us. We are in control of our giving."

 ______________________________

--Henry Cloud and John Townsend, "Resistance to Boundaries," (adapted) in Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No—To Take Control of Your Life (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1992) pp. 245-250.